A friend of mine posted this link/blog post on facebook, but I didn’t respond there because I didn’t want to muddy up her post with my weird-ass thoughts, which always meander and tend toward heavy-handed pragmatism. Read that article before reading this bloated one, since this is more or less a response.
There are two things at play when any person (a child or an adult) feels fat:
- they are fat
- they feel fat, which can be due to #1… but certainly not always
At age 7, the mom probably took the right approach, though it’s hard to say. Since it’s very unlikely the picture of the girl is of her kid, there’s no way to say if her child’s actually overweight or simply feeling that way. Not to be dramatic, but the image chosen could quite simply be — for lack of a better word — distracting propaganda. It immediately makes us think that the issue of fat-awareness is purely mental and extremely unhealthy as an attitude, when the article says nothing about whether there are legitimate reasons for her daughter’s concern. But I say again: the kid’s 7. Tomorrow she might be scrawny and her friends will say she’s “kind of skinny.” The point is that the image conveys to us what the author wants to convey. Moving on.
Let’s face something right up front, since I think reality can often be obfuscated by touchy-feely, politically correct self-empowerment bullshit: childhood obesity is a serious issue, and a very prevalent one. It’s not subjective; there are hordes of kids out there who are overweight and obese, and it’s a health issue, not an issue of body image. Again, see bullets 1 and 2 above.
With that in mind, giving your kid confidence is one thing (and it’s awesome — yay parents who rock!). However… Hiding the truth from them in order to bestow that confidence is another. If a kid’s allergic to peanuts, you don’t force-feed your kid peanuts and just tell her/him: “You’re just special: you react differently than others! There’s nothing wrong with you — your eyes aren’t bulging and your face isn’t turning blue, and if it is, it’s the most beautiful shade of blue!”
Most of us would bitch-slap that parent, no? Should we do less for a parent who simply tries to empower their kid without facing an actual issue of obesity? An anecdote: I was (ahem — am) terrible at math. However, my parents didn’t tell me math was fucking stupid and “who needs it anyway, kiddo?”. They told me I wasn’t very good at math, and math is important. The reality was that I’d have to try harder than other kids just to get a mediocre grade. That was all there was to it; that was the situation. C’est la vie — no one’s good at everything and telling a kid they’re super special and that they’re fantastic in every way, at everything they try, is outright fucking retarded. Support and encourage kids but never shelter them from themselves.
Anyway. Back to the article. 7-year-old. Actual state of health unknown but body health image initially poor. Mom leads by example. Issue diffused but likely not gone. My first thought was: So what happens when her daughter’s 16 or 17? What’s the mom’s response when her daughter’s 30? Do you empower the girl at the risk of her health, assuming there is (or ought to) a legitimate health concern? (I’m not being rhetorical. Most of you readers are parents. I’m not. I want your input on this subject, even — okay, especially — knowing it will be fairly divisive.)
The funny thing is that body image doesn’t really improve much, even when one goes from being overweight to not-overweight. I’d actually say that people getting in shape or who have gotten in shape are — or can be — worse, mentally. It’s like they’ve seen the dark side and any manifestation of that dark side — no matter how slight — can seriously mess with them, like suddenly spotting a spider nestled in that bunch of bananas you were reaching for. I’m not even talking about eating disorders, though that’s certainly a very poignant, and scary, reminder of what can be at stake here.
Primal folks will know exactly what I’m talking about; we work through our own issues every fucking day, though hopefully to positive effect. In my own case, I went from 207 lb to 165 (I think? dunno anymore) and I think I actually felt less concerned about things when I was at the slowly shifting weights of 195, 182, and 173, all of which were long plateaus for me, than I do now at 165, which is basically where the sidewalk ends, as it were. (and now I want to read that book again. Stupid brain.)
Now it’s about the little things. My weight won’t change much at this point, and we all know how the scale tends to matter anyway. I’m not self-conscious these days (I’m actually fairly body-confident), but that self-consciousness has been replaced by a kind of pointed doggedness. I think perhaps a certain MDA Tabata workout guy can relate? It’s all minutiae at this point, really. Sometimes I think I bug the shit out of my friends with my opt-outs and whatnot when it comes to eating and drinking, which are very common (and wicked-awesome) activities for me and my friends to engage in. Have supper together. Hit a pub together. Those are staple activities, without which we’d wither and die, socially. . . especially in the winter. (For instance, only 30 minutes til I hit up Irene’s Pub with Steve. Woo!)
Okay, I’ve rambled as much as I think I can, or ought to. Here’s the central idea of the above-linked article: girl-power-yay mom diffuses an “I’m fat” body issue of her 7-year-old daughter by leading by example. Good. My concern: was there a health issue that needs to be addressed and not merely obscured and, more generally, do we want to encourage men and women to feel great about themselves if it means telling them they’re fine when they’re at risk, health-wise? After all, if you’re pre-diabetic, your doctor isn’t about to tell you, “Nah! You’re awesome. Just feel good about who you are, man. You gotta love yourself and everything will follow.”
Here’s what I say: Feel great when you deserve to (and don’t be a shit to yourself when it comes to recognizing that). Be concerned when you should be. Take action when you can. Dismiss sycophants (and parents can be the worst offenders here) and seek out honest appraisal. Seek help — not enablement — if needed. Recognize, share, and exult in even small milestones. Push ever forward.
Puntastically enough, it’s all food for thought. I’m curious to hear what you moms and dads have to say. Childless single guy. . . out!
The Primal Mind 
Rob
January 27, 2012
Great response. I don’t have kids, but I used to be one. I didn’t get a whole lot of parental guidance when I was younger (it’s not that my parents were bad parents, they just had to work non-stop to keep the lights on), and as such my health was a low priority. I was probably about 8 or 9 when I realized I was fat. I didn’t bring it up like this girl did, but I knew my family recognized that I was a bit tubby. They definitely gave me what I needed in confidence–I was ahead of most of my peers in school, artistic, and participated in a couple of sports–but I really wish my parents had helped me learn to make better food and lifestyle choices. Your prediction of a possible future for this girl is exactly what happened to me; my weight became a health issue. Even as I approached 350lbs my parents still didn’t want to interfere with my diet.
Now, I’m totally in love with my life, and I know I might not have ended up here without taking that blissfully pudgy road, but being a fat kid isn’t easy. Confidence is helpful, but it’s also internal. it was a lot of the external ridicule that made life hard. I don’t blame my parents or feel any anger at my past, but I do wish they would have done a little more to make me healthier…and prevent some of the name calling and health problems I faced.
I think this mom made a good choice, but she would be doing her daughter a huge favor by showing her daughter how to make healthy choices. She doesn’t even need to mention the words ‘diet’ or ‘exercise’, she just needs to make healthy living automatic. It’s not about being skinny or fitting in (even though those things matter to kids), it’s about prevention.
Patrick
January 27, 2012
Thanks for sharing, Rob. Mind if I asked what it was that allowed you to make the transition from 350 lb to being in love with your life?
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it doesn’t have to be called out as a specific type of behaviour; it just needs to be automatic such that the parents lead by example. Although, my parents set a good example and I slipped through university and independent living. So a good example is definitely helpful, but other times a person simply needs to hit a wall and be forced into a position where they need to evaluate where they’re at.
Thanks again for the comment! I like the idea you end on: prevention.
Rob
January 28, 2012
Pain. That’s what made me transition. My weight led to intense back pain, joint pain and poor sleep, which led to migraines. My high blood pressure also caused some serious bloody noses, and there were plenty of smaller problems. Once the back pain became unbearable, I realized–with the help of my chiropractor–that it was linked to my weight, so I started going with the healthier choices. I landed on Mark’s site, went primal, had a blast getting fit, and now I keep finding things to do that I never could have done before.
I agree–hitting that wall was good for me. But the damage I did along the way was bad times.
Rob
January 27, 2012
also…
If you are a dreamer, come in.
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer . . .
If you’re a pretender, come sit by my fire,
For we have some flax golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!
–Shel Silverstein
I love that book.
Emma
January 28, 2012
Mmmm, lots to think about here Patrick. First thing that springs to mind as a mother of an 8 year old (admittedly beanpole-like) daughter is to wonder how I would tackle that conversation if she was overweight. What do I say? “Yeah, you are fat, let’s put you on a diet.” I see where you’re coming from, but unless the kid is actually obese, there’s not much point focussing on a pot belly on a seven year old.
I don’t agree that I should tell her things about herself that aren’t true though. For example, she has to work harder than her twin brother at reading. Like your folks, I didn’t tell her that this was ok and that she was fine reading at a 2nd grade level in 3rd grade. I explained what a pleasure reading could be and how important it was and looked around until I found books that captured her interest and sparked a desire to read.
My son carries a little extra weight, in comparison to his twin sister who is super-lean. He’s aware of it and when he mentions it, I tell him that yes, he does have a bit of a belly but he needs to just keep eating healthy and do lots of exercise and it will go away as he gets older and taller. I don’t believe that making it a focus of his life is a sensible or fair thing to do at his age. He can (and does) still climb trees, run all day, hike up hilly tracks in the bush and play football for 2 hours. He eats well, but it’s all real food – no McDs or soda pop in this house. Should I be doing more? Personally, I don’t think so – I think 8 (or 7) is too young to make a child conscious of their body’s aesthetics. For a few years at least, I just want them to think about what their body can do, not what it looks like.
Patrick
January 28, 2012
I completely agree, Em, and I think we’re looking at this issue in the same way.
“but unless the kid is actually obese, there’s not much point focussing on a pot belly on a seven year old.” Here you might have missed one of my points: a belly on a 7-year-old is not being overweight. Yes, it’s fat, but that’s normal for that stage of development. It’s like drawing attention to the belly on a 16-month-old. It’s supposed to be there. The issue at that point, should the subject of being fat be raised by a 7- or 8-year-old, would be a mental one and not a physical one. There’d be no hiding or side-stepping an issue involved.
As for your son, I think your simple and unpressured reinforcement is absolutely the right approach. Again, kids are scrawny one day, pudgy the next. There’s a difference between having a bit of fat and being fat such that it’s an issue. Can’t participate in gym class? It’s an issue. Can’t walk up a few flights of stairs without being out of breath? It’s an issue. Causing premature/weird hormonal responses? It’s an issue. Can play football and go for long hikes? Clearly not an issue. Again, I think we’re both on the same page! I really like this line: “For a few years at least, I just want them to think about what their body can do, not what it looks like.” Too true.
Angie
January 28, 2012
Oh, God. I feel like anything I say here is me talking out of my ass because I’ve never had a problem with weight.
I think the big issue here is that self-esteem ought to be built on who we are, not what we look like, how much money we have, or outside praise. Those thing can all change in an instant and are an unstable foundation. You should be able to love yourself and still be honest about whether your lifestyle needs to change for health’s sake. I hate this whole sticking our fingers in our ears and singing the Spiderman song when it comes to how obesity is impacting the health of kids. You can tell your daughter she’s smart, funny, capable, caring, and beautiful, while still ensuring that she learns the importance of eating well, exercising regularly, maintaining a healthy weight, AND how awesome a slice of cheesecake is now and then.
Patrick
January 30, 2012
“You can tell your daughter she’s smart, funny, capable, caring, and beautiful, while still ensuring that she learns the importance of eating well, exercising regularly, maintaining a healthy weight, AND how awesome a slice of cheesecake is now and then.”
I think that pretty well sums it all up, Angie!
winencandy
January 30, 2012
“You can tell your daughter she’s smart, funny, capable, caring, and beautiful, while still ensuring that she learns the importance of eating well, exercising regularly, maintaining a healthy weight, AND how awesome a slice of cheesecake is now and then.”
This is perfect!!!
Brian Martin
May 8, 2013
People love change. They just hate to be changed. And that apply to adults and kids. :)
Even kids need to feel loved unconditionally regardless of the size.